


I've Gotta Be Me

by ellie_sand



Category: Supernatural
Genre: AU, Angst, Eventual Smut, Fluff, I've Gotta Be Me, M/M, Mild Smut, Slow Build Castiel/Dean Winchester
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-18
Updated: 2018-03-29
Packaged: 2019-01-19 04:43:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,511
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12403350
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ellie_sand/pseuds/ellie_sand
Summary: Castiel Novak is just a medical student trying to meet everyone’s expectations while simultaneously trying to keep it together. What starts as just another rotation in Psychiatrics quickly turns into conflict between feelings and responsibilities after finding relief in Dean Winchester- one of the ward’s most complicated patients. As Castiel attempts to treat Dean, the two are thrown into a waltz of mania, confusion, repression, and tenderness. I’ve Gotta Be Me is, at its core, a story about love, mental illness, and learning to be your own hero.





	1. Whether I’m right or whether I’m wrong

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! Okay so, *disclosure*: this is kind of a slow burn fic at first. The first two chapters are like fluff. The third chapter tension builds, and then shit starts to get serious in the fourth chapter. I know a lot of you like to just dive face-first into the smut, but stick with me please! Pretty please! There will be plenty of incredulous and steamy scenes, but I wanted to really put you in the setting.  
> Also, I need to recognize that this relationship is highly unethical for multiple reasons, but like try not to let that deter you. Obviously I didn't. :)
> 
> Okay, enjoy!

When you stepped off the elevator, all you could smell was bleach, coffee, and whatever mystery meat the cafeteria had incorporated into the evening meals for that night. When you turned and walked down the hallway, the beeps of all the monitors became louder and louder. And you could even smell the sweat of the patients that were confined to their beds, but it was freezing. 66 degrees to be exact. Ruby, the veteran nurse of the department, insisted that the floor be kept at the “perfect temperature” to wear her favorite sweatshirt comfortably. A sweatshirt that had the words “Proud to be a NURSE” rhinestoned on the back, as if everyone couldn’t already tell. She was sweet in an aggressive sort of way, with bright green eyes and soft blonde hair. You could tell that she used to be innocently beautiful, but all of those years working in MICU had taken a toll on her.

As you walked passed the Welcome desk and straight into the employee room, it felt like you were entering another world. Like the wardrobe to Narnia had been breached, and all of the creatures are awaiting your arrival on the other side. Here the smell of cheap, burnt coffee was overwhelming. That’s how you knew you were in the right place… this was the night shift in the MICU. There’s usually about five to six people who make up the team, and one resident physician, but you rarely saw him anyway. Richard Roman. Dick. He always complained about having to talk to the patients’ families because they always got "so emotional" and ended up wasting time asking incessant questions. And by “wasting time” everyone knew he meant “cutting into the time he spent slapping the cute nurses’ asses and lecturing people about his Tesla.” Maybe he should have picked a field where 70% of the daily patients weren’t on a ventilator, then he could spend the night slapping all the asses he wanted.

It was 7:03 when Cas placed his backpack next to his desk and quickly threw on his white coat before doing his first set of rounds. Even though he was just a student, he carried himself as if he had been working in that hospital for years. He reached across his desk to grab his tea when he noticed a cupcake with purple frosting sitting in a plastic container atop of his desk calendar. He paused and slowly peered over his shoulder to glance at Eileen, one of the PAs he had the pleasure of working with these last 6 weeks on rotation.

“We’re really going to miss you, you know?” Eileen said with a big smile. “The night shift just won’t be the same without you. Who will we have that can get everything done ahead of time and pick up the slack from the rest of us?” Cas smiled at her, but he couldn’t find the words to say how incredibly sweet her gesture was or that he too was going to miss her and the rest of the team. Instead, his shyness took over him, and he folded into himself.  
  
“Thank you,” he whispered and quickly grabbed his tea before rushing out onto the floor.

While he’d like to say that he was going to miss it, Cas knew that he could never get used to living like this: sleeping all day and forcing yourself awake all night, having to turn down all of your friend’s and family’s efforts to see you because it sounded exhausting, and barely having any social interaction outside the hospital day in and day out. But there was something endearing about the night shift. Everyone stayed pretty much to themselves, and beyond the occasional disaster, everything was pretty quiet and sound. Visitors sat and read to their loved ones or watched tv on mute, and even the beeping of the monitors began to fade into the background. Dr. Roman retired early to his office to watch unhealthy amounts of Hentai videos on the internet and down half a bottle of cheap whiskey, and the nurses sat at the main desk scrolling through Facebook or texting their significant others until late in the night. In reality, these were his people. Lonely, tired, and just getting through each day.

Cas stepped behind the main desk to grab the clipboard with the list of patients on it. It was the same ten people that had been there for almost the last two weeks, and in the MICU that was a good sign. First up was Mr. Schwartz, a 34-year-old man who entered the hospital with intense gastric pain but ended up on a ventilator due to septic shock. Cas had formed a close bond with Mr. Schwartz’s mother, mainly because he was the only APP that she trusted and he refused to treat her like a fragile, delusional mother to a dying son. Cas stepped through the doorway and went straight to check the vitals and GI tube.  
“Good evening, Castiel,” Mrs. Schwartz uttered, as she glanced over the brim of her book.  
  
“Good evening, Nora. I didn’t want to disturb you.”  
  
“You have such a sweet soul,” she cooed. Mrs. Schwartz closed her book and gingerly placed it on her lap. “I can tell you come from a good home. Your parents must be so proud of you.” She didn’t know how off-step she was. “It’s a shame they have you rotting in this horrid place,” she scoffed and peered over her shoulder to shoot a disgusted look at the staff sitting at the main desk.  
  
“Well, Nora, you know tonight is my last night?” Cas sat down in the chair beside her.  
  
“My goodness, that’s right…” her voice trailed off. “Who will I trust to care for my son like you do or to keep me informed?” There was a shred of panic in her voice, and she grasped Cas’ hand squeezing it just a little too hard. He just wanted to rip his hand free from her grasp, not because he didn’t like her or even because she was hurting him, but more so because he wasn’t accustomed to people touching him.  
  
“Don’t worry. I informed Eileen about everything. She’s going make sure you feel comfortable and cared for… both of you.” His eyes shifted to the motionless body lying in the bed. Mrs. Schwartz opened her mouth to speak but was silenced by the frantic beeping noise coming from Cas’ pocket.  
  
“I’m sorry, Nora. I have to go do a procedure. I’ll say goodbye to you before the night is over,” he said as he swiftly left the room and started jogging down the hallway toward the elevators.

There was a ding and then a burst of people filed out through the doors. Cas ran with them down the hallway to the nearest open room and quickly obtained the information on the patient. 26-year-old male, admitted for complications derived from asphyxiation, currently has a large amount of edema in the limbs, so the procedural team has to place a central line. Cas had placed multiple catheters in during him time on rotation, some successfully others not. But a central line was nerve racking. One slight slip and the carotid could be sliced, leaving the patient bleeding out in your hands. He quickly began to sterilize the room and lay out the instruments he would need for the procedure. Dr. Roman walked through the door just as he was about to start, but he stayed in the corner and didn’t say a word. He turned the patient into the Trendelenburg position, and wiped antiseptic onto his neck in three broad, circling motions. After placing the gel onto the ultrasound nozzle, Cas searched for the jugular. Once he found it, he grabbed the finder needle and carefully inserted it. A tiny bit of blood made its way into the tip of the syringe, and with that he knew that he was in the vein.

The procedure went fairly quickly after that. 23 minutes in total. After everything was cleaned up, Cas left the room to find the floor extremely still. He made his way towards the main desk, but the stillness was interrupted by Dr. Roman groaning and dragging his feet along the floor. When there was more than two people within hearing distance, the first thing out of Dr. Roman’s mouth was to complain that he didn’t know why they called him to perch on Cas’ shoulder while he executed the procedure- that he was perfectly capable of doing it without being babied. “Just look at his hands,” Dr. Roman said to visitor passing by. “Small and delicate. Those are catheter-placing hands.” A back-handed compliment, but that was the most Cas could expect from him. Dick.

Exhausted from the procedure, Cas headed to the bathroom to wash his hands and place a cold paper towel on his neck. He was confident in his abilities, but that still didn’t take away the stress of having to slice into someone’s jugular. Still, it was nice that he got to do something noteworthy on his last night in the MICU. Only a few hours remained until his shift was over, so Cas retired to the back room to answer emails and study for his upcoming cardiology exam.  
“No, Amazon, I don’t want to review my recent purchase. It was a giant box of toilet paper… haven’t even used it yet,” he huffed. Target… Target… AAPA Medical watch… Starbucks… spam… spam… Amazon again. It was just a never-ending list of useless emails that piled up so quickly it caused him to spend at least two nights a week anxiously contemplating just deleting them all but ultimately deciding that was careless. He was about to give up when he noticed an emailed at the bottom of the page from a Dr. Singer.

 _Dear Castiel,_  
  
_Tomorrow begins your rotation in the McLeod 9 Psychiatric Ward. I’m looking forward to meeting you and welcoming you to the team for the next 6 weeks. As you may assume, this ward operates quite differently from the rest of the areas of the hospital, and as such, it is imperative that you arrive an hour early to go over daily protocol, emergency procedures, and other important information.  
You will be on a team with three other students, but you will each have your own list of patients that you will independently see. Unlike in other fields, the team is mainly there to provide support and give you individuals to bounce ideas off of rather than attempting to tackle complicated patients and illnesses alone. Therefore, this list of names, numbers, and emails will become extremely useful to you:_

 

 _Meg Masters PA-S- (215) 467-0341- MMasters@tuhs.edu_  
_Cesar Cuevas PA-C- (908) 940-8825- CuevasC@tuhs.edu_  
_Becky Rosen PA-C- (201) 549-7281- B.Rosen2@tuhs.edu_

 

 

_I look forward to meeting you tomorrow._

 

_Dr. Robert Singer, M.D._

The email made Cas feel uneasy for reasons he didn’t quite understand. He assumed it was because the patients that he was going to have to oversee were mobile, quasi-functional, emotional beings, and he wasn’t used to that. Still, he recognized that it would be nice to have some form of human interaction outside of people in the medical field. It was going to be nice to have any interaction at all. The truth was that after every shift Cas took the train to his empty studio apartment and collapsed into bed before he could attempt to force himself to eat something. When he awoke in the afternoon, he listened to his neighbor’s tv that pierced through the walls and made himself a bowl of cereal that would serve as breakfast and lunch. He had thought at length about getting a cat, just to have something to come home to that wanted to see him and share his bed, but he ultimately decided that it was unfair the leave a cat alone in a shitty apartment all day and night. His schedule was so erratic; sometimes he would get stuck at the hospital for 24 hours straight, and since he had no friends or family to go check in on the poor thing, he abandoned the idea completely.

The next few hours passed by quickly, and before he knew it his final night shift in the MICU was over. After logging out of his computer and shoving everything on his desk into a box, he made his way through the department quietly as to not start a cascade of “goodbyes.” Saying goodbye wasn’t something Cas was good at. Actually, saying hello wasn’t something he was good at either. Cas was obedient and logical; he didn’t let silly things like emotions cloud his head. He had learned a long time ago how dangerous feeling could be, and if he was going to finish his schooling without any casualties, he had to utilize the mechanisms he developed so that his sadness didn’t swallow him hole.

  
The train home was 9 minutes late, but it didn’t matter because he had an endless playlist calling his name. He rummaged through the side compartment of his backpack and dug out a tangled pair of headphones. 

_Lonely is the night when you find yourself alone. Your demons come to light and your mind is not your own._

The night was lonely. After finally reaching his apartment, Cas stumbled inside as exhaustion filled his pockets and weighed him down. A gurgle erupted from his stomach, and he immediately realized that he hadn’t eaten all day. But he was too tired to make something. Suddenly, he remembered the purple cupcake that Eileen had placed on his desk, and he dropped the box to his feet and began sifting through papers and junk to find the cupcake sitting at the bottom. The purple frosting had been smeared all over the inside of the container, and the cake part was crushed in places from being shoved to the bottom of the box. But it was still edible, and it was all he had right now. After scarfing the whole thing and scooping every bit of frosting onto his finger to suck down, Cas stripped down to his skin and slithered into bed. He only had five hours to sleep, so he closed his eyes and tried to picture himself relaxing under a shaded tree. Now was not the time to start ruminating over all of the things making his boots heavy or to beat himself up over all of the things he hadn’t accomplished that day. Cas knew that if you had an itch that couldn’t be scratched, sometimes you had to go to bed itchy. He never did get to say goodbye to Mrs. Schwartz.

The frenzied siren of Cas’ alarm came sooner than his body was ready to accept. His eyes shot open, but his entire body felt as though it was imbedded in cement. Slowly, he chipped away each limb and made his way to the shower. The water normally took a few minutes to warm up, but he didn’t have time to wait today. So, he stood with half of his body underneath the showerhead, shivering down to his bones. After his toes and fingertips began to feel numb, Cas turned off the water, but he didn’t get out of the shower. Instead, he placed both palms onto the wall, hung his head, and took deep breaths. _I’m not ready for this._ Doubt was creeping up Cas’ spine. How was he expected to care for these people, when some of them probably had a better grasp on their lives than he did?

Another alarm sounded, and Cas stepped out of the shower to finish getting ready. He combed his fingers through his hair, but that was all of the effort he was willing to put forth. He went to the closet and picked out a pair of black dress pants, a plain white shirt, and a sapphire-blue tie. He didn’t have many options, so that would have to do. Now it was time to make breakfast, but he didn’t feel hungry for the fifth day in a row. Something about the thought of eating gave him goosebumps and made him feel nauseous. Still, he placed two pieces of rye bread into the toaster and slipped his shoes on while he waited for them to pop up. As soon as they did, he snatched them, along with his backpack, and made his way out the door.

When he rounded the corner to go down the subway steps, his anxiety began to surface. His heart was beating so fast that it felt like he was getting repeatedly punched in the chest. He could hear the train arriving, so he bolted through the turnstile and made it to the first car just in time. As he took his seat he began to feel his anxiety getting worse- his face became tingly and his palms were sweaty. He tried to convince himself that all of these things were happening because he had just run to the train because if he acknowledged the real reason why he was feeling this way then he would have to admit that he was starting to fall apart again. But he wasn’t… he couldn’t! Cas had carefully developed mechanisms to help himself through these particularly difficult times, but with his hectic schedule it was nearly impossible to utilize them.

Cas stepped off the train into a crowd of healthcare workers and students all on their way to shifts. He was just another one of them: a pretender. Walking through life acting like they were carrying out some God-given calling to heal people when in reality they did it because having control over someone else was the only thing that made them feel in control of themselves. Cas thought that it was that quality that distinguished the good providers from the great ones. Humility. The ones that accepted that they were just as fucked up and fragile as their patients were the ones that brought humanity back into healthcare.

Cas walked through the hospital doors and made his way to the information desk. “Excuse me. Can you tell me where the psychiatric ward is?” The woman at the desk rolled her eyes and typed something into the computer. She let out a deep sigh.  
  
“You’re looking for McLeod 9. Go up the escalator and walk straight down the hallway. Take the elevators on your left, and push 9.” Cas opened his mouth to thank her, but she had already went back to scrolling on her computer and ignoring the fact that he was still standing in front of her. He followed her directions, pushed 9, and he couldn’t decide if it was the motion of the elevator or his nerves that made his stomach drop. There was a ding and then the doors opened. When he stepped off the elevator, he was halted by a steel door, but he noticed a call box on the wall beside him. He pushed the call button.  
  
“What can I help you with?” a squeaky voice asked.  
  
“I’m- uh- here for rotation. I’m supposed to be working with Dr. Singer.” There was no answer. Suddenly, there was a loud buzzing noise and the door slowly swung open.

The floor was nothing like he had imagined. Cas stood at the intersection of the hall and just observed what was happening around him. Patients were out of their beds, walking around, playing board games or watching television. There wasn’t a single individual that jumped out at him as saying, “Oh yeah. They definitely belong here.” Unexpectedly, he felt a hand on his shoulder, and he quickly turned around.  
  
“Ah! You must be Castiel,” the man said in a deep, husky voice. “I’m Dr. Singer.” He stretched out his hand to Cas, and Cas shook it lightly. “C’mon, let me show you around.” Dr. Singer began to walk down the hall and Cas trailed behind him like a toddler trying to keep up with its parent. Dr. Singer when through all of the details that he found most important: where the exits were, what daily life was like in the ward, how to sedate an aggressive patient, and a few other small details. After looking at his watch, he quickly asked if Cas had any questions and promptly handed him a clipboard with a list of his patients.  
  
“Four?” he tested. Dr. Singer laughed.  
  
“Boy, you’re going to wish that number was less. But if you handle that, I might give you more.” He turned and started to walk away, but he spun around and called back to Cas. “Be careful with that first one,” he winked and continued on down the hall.

Cas stood there for a moment feeling the first stint of confidence. He could handle four patients. Hell, he usually handled 10 or more in the same amount of time. But he could still hear Dr. Singer’s declaration humming in his head: _you’re going to wish that number was less._ Normally, he would have grabbed the patient’s file, glanced it over, and made his way to the room, but something about the ambiance in the ward felt different. Cas didn’t feel like a doctor, for the first time he felt like a patient. So, he spontaneously decided to spend his first day meeting the patients as people, with no diagnoses attached to them. He walked down the hall to the third door on his right: room 2117. He glanced at his clipboard to confirm the room, knocked three times, and opened the door. He held his breath as he waited for the door to close behind him, and once it did he took a small step toward the patient lying in his bed.

“Hello, Dean.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MICU- Medical Intensive Care Unit: a small hospital unit providing care for adult and geriatric critically ill medical patients.
> 
> PA- Physician Assistant: healthcare professional who practices medicine as a part of a healthcare team with supervising physicians and other providers.
> 
> APP- Advanced Practice Providers: basically a fancy name for people that are "above" nurses but have less schooling than doctors. PAs and NPs. 
> 
> AAPA- American Academy of Physician Assistants: national professional society for PAs in the United States.
> 
> edema: medical jargon for "swelling."
> 
> _________________
> 
> Hello all,  
> Thanks for taking the time to read this nonsense. It's pretty much my only escape from the stressful chaos that is my life right now. This is my first work, so I'd love feedback/suggestions/notes, but I recognize that I am in NO way a writer. And, I know my writing style is kind of odd. Sorry in advance. I'm not sure if I'm going to continue it... I have some excerpts pre-written and a loose story-line, so if you actually want me to continue this let me know. Who knows, maybe I'll update it regardless. Thanks again for reading, and I hope you like it.  
> -E


	2. What else can I be but what I am?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas tries a new method of getting to know his patients, starting with Dean Winchester. But Dean quickly gets under Cas' skin causing him to crack a bit.

The man lying in bed pretended not to hear Cas’ greeting- eyes closed but he was clearly awake. The silence made Cas nervous, but he remembered what he had read on the PA forum: _Some patients have an avoidant manner toward new providers at first. You have to build a rapport with them, but this will take more time than with your common inpatient. Don’t just try to get them to trust you, be trustworthy. Remember, as frustrating as it is to try and treat someone who isn’t working with you, they have been in daily conflict with themselves too._ This was going to be a difficult process, but it was only six weeks.

Cas looked around the room itching to find something to use as a jumping-off-point. There wasn’t much there. A nightstand with a small lamp, an old dresser, some odd momentos on a shelf that looked like they had little significance _\- chachkies_. There was a desk that had nothing on it with a chair that had one leg slightly shorter than the others. Cas walked over to the desk, and Dean cracked open his eyes to follow his steps. He lightly touched the back of the chair, and looked at Dean. “May I?” Dean huffed and adjusted his body so that he was slightly sitting up. He licked his lips and crossed his arms.

“So, I guess we’re gonna do this. Huh?” Cas tried to convince himself there was hostility in Dean’s voice, but it was more like exhaustion. Cas brought the chair over to the side of Dean’s bed and sat down. He folded his hands into his lap and peered up to meet Dean’s gaze. Cas was immediately overwhelmed. His stomach tightened, and he could feel his skin slowly becoming hot. “Look, what did they give you? A bonus? Christmas off?” Cas furrowed his brow. He parted his lips as if he was going to say something, but he couldn’t force anything out of his mouth. Even if he could, his brain was jumbled like a concussion without the impact. He bit down on his lip- something Dean immediately noticed. Dean’s lips curled into a smile. “Did you just get suckered into this arrangement?” Dean was doing what Cas was too paralyzed to do… building rapport.

“My name is Cas,” was what came out when he finally pulled bits of himself together. No one in the medical field called him Cas, but it was too late to take the words back. Dean’s smile grew, and he turned his body toward Cas.

“That’s a fair place to start. Cas? Is that short for something?” The playfulness began to fade from Dean’s voice as he started to examine Cas.

“Everybody calls me ‘Cas.’” Lie. Even his own best friend growing up had never called him "Cas." 

“Yeah, well I’m not ‘everybody.’” Cas clenched his jaw at Dean’s boldness, but before he could respond Dean jumped out of bed and started pacing around the room. _What was he doing?_

“I always felt like this room was cramped,” said Dean. “Even though there’s nothing in here.” He laughed and leaned up against the door. Dean was out of Cas’ view, and as soon as he became aware of that fact anxiety began to wash over him. Cas frantically shifted his eyes back and forth looking for something that would hold a reflection so he could track Dean’s movements. After all, he was in a psychiatric ward for a reason. Still, Cas fought his urges to abruptly catapult himself out of the chair and run through the door to safety. He couldn’t let Dean know that he was uneasy around him… that he didn’t trust him. “How am I supposed to trust you…” Dean questioned as if he had read Cas’ mind. “… if you won’t even tell me your full name?” Dean walked over to the bed and sat down close enough to Cas that their knees were touching. “I’m not gonna hunt you down, Doctor.”

Dean was pushing so hard because he knew how Cas saw him: a crazy patient that had bursts of unpredictably frenzied activity. Dean saw Cas’ whole body tighten when he finally looked into his eyes. He was so nervous to be so close to a psycho that he turned bright red and was paralyzed with fear, or so Dean thought.

“I, as a patient, need to feel secure. I’m terribly insecure as I’m sure you know from my file. And what would make me feel secure, _as a patient,_ is knowing that my doctor has my needs in mind and wants to satisfy them.” He winked at Cas. “Especially when all I want is his name.”

 “Castiel. My name is Castiel Novak.” The name gripped Dean tighter into the conversation.

“That’s an... interesting… name,” Dean mustered.

“I’m a student,” Cas added, but Dean didn’t acknowledge that he had said anything. “I’m studying to be a PA. I’m not your doctor.” Dean had heard what Cas said even though he gave no indication that he had. He was too embarrassed to admit that he didn’t understand what that meant. Other students had passed through his door many times before, so much so that he joked to Dr. Singer that they should convert his door into a revolving one. Hopeful students eager to earn those two, little letters at the end of their name, but one by one he could see their frustration swallow their hope full. Doubt. _What the hell was a PA, some sort of specialist?_ The truth was many PAs had attempted to treat Dean, but none of them actually introduced themselves in such a way. Actually, most of them hadn't introduced themselves at all. But something was different about Castiel. There was no clipboard scribbling, no security guard observing from the hall, no force. Dean was going to show him some mercy- intimidate him just enough that he would go scampering to Singer asking for a reassignment without any blood or tears.

“How biblical.” Dean locked his eyes on Cas.

“Act-actually it is,” Cas affirmed. He felt it- him beginning to fold into himself. Cas immediately straightened his back and crossed his arms. He wouldn’t let Dean Winchester intimidate him any more than he already had. Dean was thrown. _Was Castiel challenging him?_ “Castiel is an angel.”

“No shit. Well, does your angel have any special powers? Healing the ill perhaps?” Dean teased.  

“My father told me that he is the angel that protects the oppressed or orphaned individuals. The myth is that he appears to help shoulder the burdens of your soul and keep feelings of hopelessness away.”

Dean gasped, “Oh- I knew it. I felt your magic as soon as you walked into the room.” Dean placed his hand onto Cas’ thigh. “You are carrying out your mission very well, Castiel. Look at you- Dad would be proud. You were basically forced into being ‘the protector’ with a name like that, and now you’re healing the crazies in the psychiatric ward of a nationally acclaimed hospital. It’s crazy how things unfold, huh?” Dean squeezed Cas’ thigh. “Can I rest my burdens on you?” _What was he doing?_ Cas was unfathomably uncomfortable, but this was a tactic so he stayed quiet.

Dean licked his lips and pulled his hand away, sliding it down Cas’ thigh on the way. “Daddy issues, huh?” Cas was taken back by the rudimentary remark, so much so that he couldn’t conceal his reaction. “You heard me. You have some deep-rooted daddy issues.”

“You don’t know anything about me,” Cas snapped. Dean chuckled.

“You clenched your jaw when I mentioned him. You learn to read people in here.”

 “I’m here as your healthcare provider. This discussion should be limited to you. I don’t need to be analyzed, you do. I’m the sane one.” He immediately regretted the words as they flew like fire from his mouth. This had never happened before, no matter how aggressive or frustrating his patients had been. He could always maintain his professionalism and push his emotions down. “I’m-”

“You know I wasn’t certain that it was Daddy, but after that reaction I definitely have my answer,” Dean mocked. Cas abruptly stood up from his chair and headed for the door. By the time his hand was on the knob he was buzzing with an embrassment-flustered-irritation cocktail. Dean had played him.

“I don’t even know why you’re here,” Cas snapped. “It doesn’t seem like you have any real reason to be here. You’re just a dick, and there’s no cure for that!” He darted for Dean and got up in his face. “What are _you_ really hiding from, Dean?” Cas’ breath was hot on Dean’s face, and Dean turned from instigator to aggressor.  The white coat that Dean could see just on the periphery of his stare brought everything back into perspective. Cas was there for one purpose: to check in on his patient. Dean was almost certain that Dr. Singer had assigned him to Cas as some sort of hazing ritual.

 “Look at the mouth on you. Never had a doctor call me a ‘dick’ before.” Dean continued to clench his jaw and hold Cas’ glare.

“I- I told you, I’m not a doctor.” Cas was standing down. He had already done so much damage, as a provider, as a student, as a person. One word of this to Dr. Singer, and he could practically see the disciplinary review-board letter informing him that he was “unfit to hold a healthcare provider position.” Dean had succeeded in his efforts to crack him, and the best he could do was attempt to repair the damages.

“Dean, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have-”

“Relax, angel. I’m not gonna report you.” Dean fell back onto his bed and closed his eyes- the exact position he was in when Cas had initially entered the room. “I’ve had people in here do way worse to me.” Cas was shocked by this admission but decided that now was not the time to ask about those instances. He grabbed the chair, placed it close to the side of the bed again, and sat down. “Hell, I’m even proud of you. You seem like you needed that release.” Dean began to hum a song that Cas kind of recognized but couldn’t put a name to.

“Dean. I just wanted to get to know you, and it went horribly wrong. It was my fault. I shouldn’t have suggested that I was above you in terms of sanity.” Cas was dancing around an apology, mainly because he couldn’t figure out what to apologize for first.

“I take it you didn’t read my file then?” Dean opened his eyes, looked at Cas, and smiled. “I should have figured. Honestly, I thought they’d sent Dr. McDreamy in here to catch me off guard.” The reference was subtle, but Cas had enough experience watching mothers and wives and even patients glued to the tv to know that Dean was referencing Grey’s Anatomy. _McDreamy?_ Dean’s eyes became wide the moment he realized what he had said, but to acknowledge it and attempt to amend it would only make it worse. He hoped that Cas had bypassed that remark or, better yet, not understood it at all.

“I try to get to know my patients as people before I read some other peoples’ staunch opinions and diagnoses of them. You’re a blank slate to me. And after some time I’ll evaluate you when I feel it’s the right time.” Cas wasn’t trying to fluff him up, but it wasn’t entirely true. Although, he had never used this approach before, he felt it was important for any provider to truly know their patient on a more profound level than simply popping in and out of their room every day to read their charts and convey results. Something about Dean and the universe lined up in time. Cas got up and left the room, forgetting his clipboard on Dean’s bed. The air was thinner in the hallway, in a good way. He felt like he could finally take a deep breath.

As he looked around he noticed multiple people staring at him: the security guard, nurses, other PA students, and even patients. He knew they were waiting for any sign of defeat or frustration. That Dean clearly had built himself an impressive reputation for a reason, and everyone was just betting on how long it would take his next opponent to lay down his king. He headed down the hallway to the main desk to grab his files for the next patient, when the rapid opening of a door caused him to pause.

“Castiel, did you mean that?” Cas turned. It was Dean poking his head out of the doorway. Cas tilted his head in confusion. “You said I was your blank slate. Did you mean that?” There was a small hint of worry in Dean’s voice that was touching to Cas.

“Of course, Dean.” Dean smiled and hung his head, as if he was embarrassed that he needed the affirmation.

“Come here,” said Dean, as he waved Cas over. Cas walked over to him, and Dean lunged his body forward to place his lips against Cas’ ear. “Don’t believe what they say about me, okay?” Dean pulled away and turned to re-enter his room. “Promise?” This was Dean begging. Cas barely knew him, but he could just tell. He gave Dean a nod and a smile before turning to continue his route. As he heard the door shut behind him, all he could think about was Dean’s lips grazing his ear. They were so soft.


	3. I want to live, not merely survive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas meets two more of his patients, Gabriel and Mark. After indulging in Dean a little too much, Cas learns that he has a troubling reputation in the ward.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my first chapter back after a long break. I'm sorry I didn't update this for a while, but I'm going to try and actually keep updating. Hopefully I'll have this whole thing finished by August cause that's when I start med school, so I'll literally have zero time to even breath let alone write. Also, thanks for sticking with me through the fluff and moderate angst. The smut is coming- just a little heads up. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter.

The feeling in Cas’ chest was something that he desperately tried to bury, but that was the thing about burying feelings- beneath the surface they were still alive. Still, he rummaged through the contents of his mind to find explanations that placed a veil of logic over the situation. That was how Cas survived: processing life through logic. Cas knew that emotions were unpredictable, messy, and even weak in such a way that they pushed people to do silly things… silly things that always left someone hurting. Perhaps that was what made him such a good clinician. Not his empathy or his intelligence or even his deep-rooted desire to be everyone’s savior- the _fixer_ as his father called it- but it was his ability to shut down feelings before they muddied the clear waters of reality. This was a quality Cas hated most about himself, but it had saved him from many things in the past. And he knew that it was just a tactic he subconsciously developed. Survival. Too many things in Cas’ life were about survival- just getting through the day and then the next and the next. 

 He picked up the next patient’s file but hesitated. Maybe every patient felt the way Dean did- desperate to have someone look at them as just another person without a label or a series of failed medications or, most importantly, a tragic story about how they ended up in McLeod. Maybe all they really craved was a blank slate. Cas felt knots in his stomach because that was what he craved too. Suddenly he realized that he was no saner than the people he was overseeing, or maybe they were just less insane than the staff had made them out to be.  Regardless, he decided in that moment that he wanted to see the glimmer of hope that he saw in Dean’s eyes in the eyes of every one of his patients, and this was the perfect way to start. 

 Cas walked over to the next door- this one was already open- but still he knocked three times and slowly stepped inside. This room was larger than Dean’s but that was probably because there were two beds instead of one. One of the beds housed a man drowning in blankets so much so that only his nose and some of his cheeks were visible. On the other bed sat a man with a goofy grin, practicing what looked like magic tricks. At first, neither of the men acknowledged Cas, but just as he opened his mouth to introduce himself the man practicing magic tricks said, “Gabriel. That’s Mark. He doesn’t talk much… or at all really.” Gabriel chuckled. “Sometimes I forget that he’s even there. Walked around in my birthday suit a few times before I caught him ogling me.” Cas’ face must have been red because Gabriel stopped what he was doing and sauntered over. “Joking,” he confessed and gave Cas an amused look, “He told me I’m not his type, so I stopped trying.” Cas knew that this was a joke as well, but Gabriel’s playful personality still made him anxious. 

 Gabriel was looking at Cas with wide eyes, and he immediately noticed that it was likely because his face was turning purple from holding his breath. 

 “Castiel. Pleasure to meet you. I’m your new PA.” His tone was robotic, but it was all he could manage to say. He was still getting used to engaging with patients that could actually talk and move. It reminded him how incredibly awkward and shy he truly is. Another one of the qualities he hated about himself. He looked around the room to try and find a jumping-off point to start a conversation, much like he had with Dean, but Gabriel didn’t seem as interested in rattling him as Dean had. Actually, he was fairly certain that if he slowly and quietly backed out of the room neither of the men would even remember he had been there at all. But this was his job, and he had to power through the awkwardness. 

 “Wha-what trick are you practicing?” Cas mustered. Immediately Gabriel smiled and placed his balled fists out in front of Cas. 

 “Pick one.” Cas lightly touched one of Gabriel’s hands, and he opened it. Inside there were three pills, all of which Cas recognized, and then he knew that they were used to treat MDD and that Gabriel hadn’t taken them. Cas’ eyes widened, and before he could say anything Gabriel was dramatically flinging the three pills into the air and then catching them in the other hand. He did this four or five times before putting his hands behind his back for only one second and then placing them in front of Cas as he had initially. Cas was still thinking about the fact that his patient hadn’t taken his meds for the day and was wondering just how many doses he had skipped. Worry began to set in. “Pick one.” Cas was frozen, but he knew that he had to play along. Again, Cas touched one of Gabriel’s hands- presumably the one containing the pills based on the amount of times he “juggled” them. Gabriel opened his hand and smirked. Empty. Cas furrowed his brow, and as if Gabriel had read Cas’ mind he opened the other hand. Empty. Cas jerked his head back in confusion. Gabriel then stuck his tongue out at Cas, and there on the tip of his tongue where the three pills. He quickly pulled his tongue back in and swallowed them. 

 “Not bad, huh?” Gabriel laughed. “Amy just loves that one.” Cas could tell by his tone that he was being sarcastic. _Amy?_ Ah, Amy was the name of Gabriel’s nurse. 

 “That was very good, Mr. Gabriel. Are-are you consistently taking your medication?” Cas didn’t mean to sound so uptight, but he _had_ to ask. Gabriel rolled his eyes. 

 “Yes, Doctor. Does it look like I haven’t been taking them? I mean honestly, you read my file, if I hadn’t been taking them I’d look worse than Mark over there.” Gabriel was the second patient to bring up his file. 2 for 2. He stammered over to his bed and collapsed dramatically on top of his causing his sheets to jump into the air. 

 “Actually, I haven’t read your file,” Cas admitted. He waited for Gabriel to say something, but he didn’t. “I- I hope you know that you’re a blank slate to me.” Cas turned to walk out of the room, realizing how forced that phrase probably sounded. _I hope you know you’re a blank slate to me._ When he said it to Dean it just happened authentically, but since he decided to give every patient the same opportunity he figured the best way to let them know was to just state it directly. Unfortunately, it made him sound more like a mother than a clinician. Maybe that was a good thing? Cas continued down the hallway before noticing he hadn’t interacted with Mark at all. Had he taken his meds? He surely didn’t seem like he had. Did he know that he too was a blank slate? Did he feel uncared for because he had paid so much attention to Gabriel? Cas shook his head violently as if his mind was a Etch-a-sketch that would wipe his thoughts away. 

 He sighed and stared at the floor. Suddenly a piece of paper appeared at his feet, and when he looked up he noticed Dean walking in the hall and straight out the side door that led to the courtyard. 

  _Meet me outside._

 The handwriting was messy but soft at the same time. Cas immediately felt his skin become hot. _Had Dean dropped this?_ And for him? _Maybe it accidentally fell out of his pocket when he had walked by. Or maybe he wanted me to meet him outside._ Cas’ stomach fluttered at the thought. No! He couldn’t possibly go outside when he had other patients to see and reports to write, and what would the other members of the staff think? Dr. Singer would surely report him to the ethics board if he saw him strolling through the courtyard hand-in-hand with a patient. _Hand-in-hand?_ “Jesus,” Cas exhaled in embarrassment at his own thoughts. Flustered was an understatement. He quickly folded the piece of paper into its original shape but noticed something on the other side. 

  _Stop overthinking. Come outside._

 It was as if Dean had read his mind or rather heard his thoughts before he had even thought them. But they didn’t even know each other. Was his neuroticism _that_ obvious? Despite everything in his mind telling him not to go, Cas couldn’t ignore the buzzing of his skin. He closed his eyes and could feel Dean’s hand gripping his thigh and then sliding down it. His face grew hot, and his eyes shot open. But before Cas could entertain the feelings he was having he was heading for the door to the courtyard. 

 When he burst outside he was blinded by the light, but after a few moments his eyes adjusted. He hadn’t noticed how dark it was in the ward until he stepped into the daylight. _Maybe that’s why everyone is depressed_. He looked around and noticed how beautiful it was- the colors of the flowers and the trees, the stone walkways that led into different clusters of bushes, the benches begging for skin to pay them some attention. It was like a miniature botanical garden, and Cas immediately remembered how much he loved nature. He had wanted to be a florist for most of his life- if the whole med school thing didn’t work out, that is.

He looked around and noticed Dean lying in the grass by a tall tree, arms resting behind his head. Cas walked over and stood looking down at him.  

“You gonna keep staring at me all day, or are you gonna join me down here?” he joked. Cas felt himself blush. Okay maybe he had been staring at Dean for a little longer than he thought, but the constellations of freckles on his cheeks were especially visible in this lighting. Cas knelt down and sat next to Dean. Dean laughed. “Oh, c’mon. Get down here. I promise your white coat isn’t gonna get dirty. Unless you want it to.” Cas rolled his eyes and lied down in the same position Dean was in. He exhaled and felt himself finally start to relax for the first time all day. 

Cas started drowning in the beauty of the sky. It was cloudy but only enough so that the sun was hidden and you could look directly at the blue without burning your retinas. Dean turned his head to face Cas and smiled. “Best seat in the house, huh? Normally I don’t like the front row, but I make the exception for this.” Cas smiled, and Dean felt victorious. 

“Yeah, I’m more of a back-rower myself. More private.” Cas turned and winked. _Am I flirting? Stop flirting you idiot._ That wasn’t even true. Cas typically sat somewhere in the middle, usually in one of the sections to the side because it was the perfect distance where his neck didn’t strain to watch the movie but he didn’t have a sea of people covering every shot. The wink was all the incentive Dean needed to push Cas a little further. He leaned on his side and propped his head up on his hand to stare at Cas. 

 “Well no one’s out here. I’d say that’s pretty private. How about we put some grass stains on that pretty white coat?” Dean tried to play it cool, but his stomach was doing flips just from looking at Cas. He was unfathomably handsome, but he was certainly the type of guy who didn’t know it, which made him even more appealing to Dean. Cas turned his head in shock to look at Dean. His eyes were a forest of green- different shades mixed together in perfect combination. Cas held his breath and shifted his body to again mimic Dean’s position. He couldn’t speak. Perhaps that was a good thing since he wasn’t sure what embarrassingly flirty remark would come out next. Cas finally exhaled. He shifted his eyes to Dean’s lips but immediately pulled them back up to meet Dean’s gaze. Dean had noticed though cause he licked his lips and smiled. 

Dean slowly shifted his body slightly forward- _Is he going to kiss me?-_ and then sighed deeply before returning to his original position with his hands behind his head. Cas swallowed hard. He could feel every cell in his body shaking, but he followed Dean’s lead and returned to gazing at the sky. The silence between them was comforting, like a thin blanket draped over their bodies. There weren’t many people Cas felt he could enjoy silence with like this. Actually, there weren’t any. 

 “Perhaps you ache for freedom/ For the blue that’s in your eye,/ Was given as a present/ From the fabric of the sky,/ And when you’re gazing skyward/ It’s no wonder that you yearn,/ When part of what you’re made of/ Always wishes to return.” The words floated into the air as if carried out of Cas’ mouth by the gentle breeze. Suddenly, his body felt heavy. 

 “How poetic, angel” Dean teased. _Angel._

 “Thanks, but I didn’t write it. It’s a poem I read somewhere that has stuck with me,” Cas sighed. 

 “Is it because your eyes are the bluest-of-blue?” Dean teased, but Cas remained silent. “Personally I think your eyes are bluer than the sky. If you ask me, the sky is just a cheap imitation.” Dean blushed at how easily the words left his lips. Cas had barely heard him, but he could have sworn that he detected a node of sincerity. He ignored it. 

 “Can I tell you something? When I look at the sky I feel nothing. I used to feel like I understood what was going on up there more than down here. Now, I don’t understand anything.” The tears began to well up in Cas’ eyes, but he kept them transfixed on the sky. Dean could hear the strain in Cas' voice as he tried to push his emotions back into his ribcage. Without moving his head, Dean shifted his eyes to look at Cas. The tears had started falling from the corners of his eyes, and his breathing was shallow. 

 “Cas…” he paused. Dean hadn’t called him that before- at least not like that. _Was that okay?_ But Cas was too lost in his head to realize what Dean had said. 

 “It’s upsetting and discouraging when you discover that you don’t see the things you once saw so clearly or felt so easily. That your perspective has narrowed, and you are completely unaware of how to get it back to what it used to be.” Cas’ words were drowning in tears. In that moment, Dean wished that he was as eloquent as Cas. Composed. He wished that he could say something logical to soothe his soul- something tangible that he could look up in a book and say, _“Here is the study where I read this from. See, you’ll be okay.”_ But he didn’t have that. 

 “Cas, maybe that’s the point of living… to be confused. We can’t know everything or even understand everything because maybe we are everything. Not just us who we are now but the process that got us here and the process that will bring us to our deaths.” Cas and Dean turned their heads to face each other at the same time. “Maybe you think you understood the sky because you feel removed from it. But I don’t think you are. I think you _are_ the sky. You’re complex and have phases of light and dark and colors, and you give people space to feel free. And- you’re beautiful.” Dean shifted his eyes to Cas’ lips in hopes to see a smile. Nothing. He shifted his gaze back to Cas’ eyes, but first he noticed Cas’ cheeks were stained pink. And the two just sat staring at each other as the world around them faded.   

“There you are!” a small voice exclaimed. “You didn’t forget about our lunch date did you, handsome?” Cas and Dean sat up abruptly and noticed Meg Masters, another PA student, walking over. Dean furrowed his brow and shot a look at Cas, but he was so rattled from the surprise he didn’t say anything or even acknowledge the girl talking to him. Cas quickly stood up and brushed the grass and dirt off his coat, realizing that he was in a compromising position.  

He forced a smile. “I’m sorry, Meg. I _had_ forgotten. The stress of the first day hit me hard, so I came out here to get some air.” Cas tried to look anywhere but her eyes in hopes that she wouldn’t see right through his lie. She looked past Cas at Dean still sitting up on the ground and gave him a dirty look. 

“It’s okay… we can still grab some. Let’s go,” she said, the words almost wrapping around Cas’ arm and pulling him towards the door.  

“Uh- I,” he looked back at Dean, but felt his body jolt forward as Meg grabbed ahold of his hand and started walking. Cas gave Dean a look that said _I’m so sorry_ , but Dean had already returned to lying on his back with his eyes closed. Cas and Meg disappeared behind the door to the ward, and Dean immediately felt something throughout his body. He didn’t know what it was. Jealousy… it was jealousy. But Dean was oblivious. He sat up and grabbed two fit-fulls of grass, ripped them from the ground, and threw them. He looked at the sky and scoffed. _And when you’re gazing skywards/ It’s no wonder that you yearn._ The poem was throbbing in Dean’s mind. He still couldn’t figure out what he was feeling, but he knew he didn’t like it. It was heavy and hot, burning straight through his clothes and his skin down to his bones. 

 When Meg and Cas walked through the door of the employee lounge there were already two trays of food sitting on the table. 

“I hope you don’t mind, I got you lunch. You seem like a salad guy based on the fact that you’re in such amazing shape.” She smiled, and Cas noticed how beautiful she was. But he noticed like it was a diagnosis rather than an affection. He smiled back at her and sat down in front of his tray, and she followed. He piled tiny bits of lettuce into his mouth, carefully avoiding pieces of chicken that were scattered throughout. Cas was annoyingly meticulous about eating. He couldn’t have his food touch, and if he was eating a salad or cereal or M&Ms he had to eat each individual part or color separately and completely before moving onto the next. 

“I know I shouldn’t say anything…” Meg trailed off, still looking down at her tray. “… but you should be careful, Castiel. Dean Winchester has a reputation in this ward. Everyone has warned me about him. I don’t know if you were just trying to build rapport and trust, but just don’t get too close, okay?” Meg looked into Cas’ eyes and gave him a worried smile. 

“Wha- what do they say about him?” Cas immediately regretted asking the question.  

“Basically that he sleeps with every female clinician that walks through his door. Or drives the males crazy to the point of never coming back. He likes to mess with people’s heads.” She looked at Cas to gauge how he was taking this information. “I also heard he’s crazy. I mean, I know we’re in a psych ward but apparently he’s super crazy. Violent. Unpredictable. Singer says he’s here because-”

“Don’t!” Cas yelled causing Meg to almost jump out of her chair. He let the heat in his chest settle before speaking again. “I’m sorry. I just- I promised him that he was a blank slate.” By the look on Meg’s face Cas could tell that she didn’t understand. “I didn’t read his file because I wanted to get to know him- uh- evaluate him on my own terms without any predispositions. All of my patients actually.” 

Her eyes sparkled at this statement. “Well aren’t you just a sweetheart! You’re going to make a wonderful PA, Castiel.” Cas could tell that she was enamored with him, but it was just a silly admiration. She didn’t know him. Not really. And if she did, she wouldn’t like him like that. He was incredibly difficult and stubborn and emotionless. Cold even. All of those traits were highly unappealing to women. “It still worries me that you go into patients’ rooms without reading their files. You could get hurt.” She reached across the table and grabbed Cas’ hand. He immediately swallowed the food that was in his mouth, ignoring the fact that it was barely chewed so it hurt going down. He was frozen. He hated being touched, mainly because he wasn’t good at the whole intimacy thing. 

 “We should get back, Meg,” he said as he quickly got up from the table. He threw the rest of food on his plate in the trash and placed the tray on the counter. He bolted for the door because he felt that the air had become unbearably thick, but he noticed it would be rude to just run out of the room. He paused in the doorway and turned to look at Meg. “Thank you for lunch. It was incredibly kind of you to get it for me.” She gave him a half-smile that Cas couldn’t quite read, but he knew he hadn’t said the right thing. “Same thing tomorrow?” Meg immediately perked up and batted her eyelashes in disbelief. 

 “I’d really like that!” she said eagerly. Cas gave her a smile, this time with teeth. He cringed at the thought of how forced and awkward it looked, but Meg didn’t seem to notice. He turned and walked down the hallway towards the bathrooms. When he got inside he quickly glanced around to see if anyone else was in there before grabbing the sink counter and staring at himself in the mirror. All he could think about was Dean’s lips and his forest green eyes. He wished in that moment that he could wander though them and get lost for a little while. Soak in the smell of oak and pine and listen to the sounds of the birds finding refuge amongst the branches. Escape.  _He likes to mess with people’s heads._ Meg’s words were pounding on the door of his mind, almost ripping it from the hinges. His breathing quickened. _Cas._ He heard it almost like it was a whisper, but it was a voice that wasn’t his own. _I think you are the sky._ Dean’s voice had drowned out the banging of Meg’s words. _Cas..._ He had finally realized that he was hearing his name in Dean’s voice, and he felt his breath get caught in his lungs. _Cas…_ It sounded so good. Euphoric. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MDD- Major Depressive Disorder  
> Also the poem Cas recites is by Erin Hanson. 
> 
>  
> 
> Thank you for reading, and as always your comments, critiques, and suggestions are welcome. :)  
> You can find me on tumblr at: myhumanweakness. Come say hello!


	4. The dream that I see makes me what I am

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas find himself unable to ignore his feelings about his new patient, Dean. After privately crossing an ethical line and feeling terrible about it, Cas finds out that Dean didn't think he crossed it enough.

Cas finally walked into his apartment after his first day in McLeod and sighed deeply. The day was heavy on his skin, but he found no refuge in his shitty apartment. He looked around and realized that it looked similar to Dean’s room- dim lighting, a bed with one nightstand, a beat-up dresser, and a few _chachkies._ Cas found himself wishing that Dean was lying on the bed. _Jesus. Stop that!_ Cas walked over to the fridge thinking that the reason he felt so stretched thin was because he had only eaten a small amount of his salad and that was it all day. The fridge was even more pathetic than the apartment. There was a pint of soy milk for his morning tea, a water bottle, two beers shoved in the way back that were probably two years old, and a jar of strawberry jam that he bought at a farmer’s market because the woman who made them wouldn’t stop talking until he bought one. _Pathetic._  

Cas walked over to the bed and lied down with his hands behind his head, pretending that he was back in the McLeod courtyard. He could faintly smell the flowers, and the more he stared at the ceiling the more it turned a shade of blue. Suddenly, heaviness started to consume him much like it had in the courtyard. Cas could feel the cracks in the wall that enclosed his emotions start to form. It was moments like this where he had to go and physically do something to keep himself from falling into his thoughts. But the bed felt like quick sand, and the heaviness of Cas’ body didn’t help either. Soon, he was drowning in questions. _Why am I living this life? I think I just do it because it’s what everyone expects of me. And I’m good at it. I wish I had a flower shop in the city, and I could bring my husband flowers every day when I went home._ He immediately pictured Dean’s smiling back at him after walking through the door and handing him a small bouquet of Snapdragons. Cas imagined that they were Dean’s favorite because they looked like a sunset and had a macho name, and he liked them because they were honeybee-friendly. _Jesus… like he would ever be interested in you. He’s not even into guys… he just likes messing with people’s heads._

Cas’ eyes began to water, and he squeezed them tight. No matter how many accomplishments his father had to brag about, he never felt good enough for anyone. He had ripped himself into pieces over and over again, but he knew that anyone even got close enough to putting him back together they would discover that there were pieces missing- holes that showed just how empty he was inside. He knew he was more work than anyone was ever going to be willing to put in, so he just accepted that this was how his life would be: a dark apartment with an empty fridge and an equally empty man lying on his bed ruminating in his emptiness. 

This was the point in the process where he would say, “Well, if I’m drowning I might as well get clean while doing it” and hop into a scolding shower. The water droplets would hit his face and camouflage his tears, which helped him pretend that he wasn’t a blubbering baby, and by the end he felt like most of the heaviness had melted off his bones. But Cas was so tired, he didn’t know that he would be able to stand. _Bath it is._ Cas made his way to the bathroom and turned the hot water on all the way. The tub began to fill, and at the first sight of his refection, he grabbed a jug of bubble-bath soap from under his sink and poured it in. Eucalyptus and lavender. Cas climbed in and let his heaviness pull him beneath the surface. This was the only appealing aspect about Cas’ apartment: if he bent his knees a bit, the tub was big enough to submerge his entire body. 

It didn’t take long for the water to cool down, but Cas just kept his eyes shut and let his mind wander. Within seconds he was thinking about Dean’s forest green eyes- the evergreen branches with bits of brown bark. Then he remembered Dean’s lips. He could see Dean licking them and then smiling. Cas’ body began to tingle at this thought. His skin grew incredibly hot as he pictured Dean propped up on his side, his bicep stretching the sleeve of his shirt. Cas knew it wasn’t right to imagine him in such a way, but he couldn’t help himself- the more he pulled away from the thoughts, the more they enticed him. Suddenly, Cas could see Dean kissing his way down his neck, then to his collar bone, then back up to his jawline. His cock began to throb, and he grasped it in his hand. His breath began to deepen as he continued to picture Dean running his nails across his back just hard enough to leave marks and then in one swift movement biting his neck and gripping his nails into his back. Cas could practically feel Dean’s teeth sinking into his skin and moaned audibly. He was too lost in Dean to care if his neighbors had heard him through the paper-thin walls. He could feel Dean’s hand trailing down his body and grasping his now incredibly hard cock. He pumped up and down with the perfect amount of pressure- first slowly and then quickening his pace. Cas let out more moans, each one growing louder and louder “Fuck,” he gasped. He felt Dean’s lips plant kisses across his chest and then his neck. 

“You gonna come for me?” Dean whispered into his ear. Cas nodded his head slowly, gasping for breath. Dean began to work Cas’ cock in his hand faster. “Come for me,” his voice stern. And like Cas was a solider following orders, he let out one final moan and came. 

Cas’ face was numb and his body shaking. He collapsed backward and tried to steady his breath. The bath water suddenly felt extremely cold, but Cas couldn’t muster the energy to move. When the feeling finally came back to his face, he sluggishly crawled out of the tub and toweled off. Reality began to set in like giant, black rainclouds filling a blue sky. _What the fuck did you just do! You’re disgusting. He’s your patient._ Cas quickly pulled the drain-plug, ran out of the bathroom, and collapsed onto his bed. He could feel himself getting choked up in embarrassment, but he tried his hardest not to cry. Instead, he buried himself under his blankets and played  Led Zeppelin’s _Traveling Riverside Blues_ until he fell asleep. 

 

 

Cas’ alarm went off at 7:00 am. He had to be at the hospital by 8 today, and since the train ride there took about a half an hour, he was already impossibly late. _Traveling Riverside Blues_ was still playing after he hit “stop” on his alarm, but he leaped out of bed too fast to turn it off. He ran to the closet, put on the first pair of dress pants and shirt he saw and sprinted to the bathroom to splash his face with some cold water and brush his teeth. _Tea._ He hurried to the kitchen and put the tea kettle on the burner, mouth overflowing with toothpaste. Another alarm started going off- this time to tell him it was 7:12- eight minutes before he had to leave. 

“Fuck.” he grumbled, dripping toothpaste onto his pants. “Fuck!” He ran to the bathroom, alarm still going off, and spat out the contents in his mouth. As he filled his mouth with water the tea kettle began to whistle. He spat and ran into the bedroom to quickly grab his phone, turn off the alarm, slip on his shoes, and head to the kitchen to turn the burner off and shove a tea bag into his thermos with the water. Cas was light-headed, but he didn’t have time to pass out or eat breakfast. He grabbed his bag by the door, and rushed out of the apartment and down the street into the subway station. 

The platform was crowded, but he still found a seat when the train arrived. Cas took a few moments to collect himself and catch his breath. He looked down and noticed that he had forgotten to put on a tie, and Lord knows what his hair looked like. He hoped that he would get to the hospital with a few minutes to spare so he could g to the bathroom, put some water in his hair, and run his fingers through it in a way to try and make himself look moderately presentable. Cas must have gotten so lost in thought because by the time he sunk back into reality he realized his stop was next. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. _Day 2. You can do this._

When Cas walked into McLeod, Meg was already waiting for him. 

“Morning, Castiel. Jeez, you look like hell. Are you alright?” She looked him up and down. 

“Y-yeah I’m fine. I had a rough morning,” Cas said nervously. He was looking around the common room at all the patients, hoping to see one of his so that he would have an excuse to go talk to them. He didn’t recognize anyone. “I’m- ugh- gonna go put my stuff down and do rounds. Excuse me.” Cas slipped past Meg and into the office where his desk was. He hadn’t brought anything to put on it yet, so it was very sad looking. He set his bag down, put on his white coat, and went to grab his clipboard, only it wasn’t there. He could have sworn that it was on top of his desk. Cas combed through his bag, thinking that he might have accidentally grabbed it on the way out yesterday, but nope. Not there either. This day was turning out to be too much work already. 

Cas decided to just do his rounds without the clipboard. He walked down the hall to room 2117, knocked three times, and slowly went inside. He was on autopilot, but the sight of Dean’s room snapped him right back into reality. _Dean._ Cas’ face became hot and red. Suddenly, he realized what he had done the night before and that he would have to face Dean today without appearing like anything had changed. Thankfully Dean wasn’t in the room, so he had a few extra moments to collect himself and mentally prepare for their conversation. Cas took a few steps inside before pausing to study the room. It was remarkably clean- nothing like Cas had expected. The bed was made perfectly, almost to the point of looking uncomfortable. He walked over and sat on it- it was uncomfortable. His eyes wandered to the shelf where a black and white picture of two little boys rested against a book. The older boy- Cas assumed was Dean- was scooping food from a pot into the other’s bowl. Cas smiled. 

Cas became uncomfortably aware that he was invading Dean’s personal space without his approval. He jumped up from the bed, attempted to fix the sheet, and scurried out of the room. He took a deep breath, thanking the universe that Dea hadn’t been in there, before heading to the next room. Before he could knock, Cas collided with Gabriel in the doorway. 

“Hey, Doc!” Gabriel said enthusiastically. 

“Good morning, Gabriel. You can call me, Castiel. How are you this morning?” Cas felt more relaxed and began to sink back into his role. 

“I’m dandy. Peachy. Just neat-o.” Gabriel gave Cas a goofy smile. “I’m on my way to the Pit to play a board-game with Ellen. Only, she doesn’t know it yet.” Gabriel punched Cas’ arm, probably a little harder than he thought he did, and made his way down the hall. The Pit was what everyone called the common room, but the general consensus what that no one really knew why. Cas knocked on the doorframe and entered the room. Mark was in the same position he was yesterday, only a bit more of his face was poking out of the hole in the blanket. 

“Good morning, Mark. Do you remember me from yesterday? I’m your new PA, Castiel?” Cas inched closer to Mark’s bed, but he didn’t move or make any sound. “I just wanted to talk with you more because we didn’t really talk yesterday, and I wanted to see how you are doing.” Cas was speaking annoyingly loud. Mark wasn’t deaf as far as he knew, but maybe the blankets wrapped around his head were making it hard for him to hear. Cas waited for any sign that Mark even knew he was there. He wished in that moment that he had read his file. _Is this typical? Should I call Dr. Singer?_

A hand on his shoulder startled him, and he jerked his head around to see who it was. “Hey, angel.” Dean had a warm smile plastered on his face. “Hey, Mark. Lookin’ good, buddy. Lookin’ nice and warm and cozy,” he chuckled. Cas was frozen. Dean glared at him confused before grabbing Cas’ arm and yanking him out of the room. “C’mon, I have something for you.” Cas was holding his breath, but he was too flustered to remind himself to breath or to question Dean as to where they were going. Dean led them back to his room and pulled Cas inside before slowly closing the door behind them. 

Cas stood frozen in place with his hands shoved into his pockets. Dean walked over to his bed and paused. “Where you in here?” He looked back at Cas. Cas didn’t move or say anything. _Speak you, idiot._ Dean raised his eyebrows. “Hello? Dr. Angel. Come back to Earth,” Dean said mockingly. 

“Yes,” Cas gulped. _Thank god._ Dean lightly touched the sheet on his bed directly where Cas had been sitting. 

“I can tell,” he said with a smirk on his face. Dean gently fixed the sheet to his liking, lifted his pillow, and grabbed something before turning around and quickly placing it behind his back. He took a few steps closer to Cas. Cas’ face was flushed, and upon noticing Dean’s smile grew bigger. He gave Cas a once-over and let out a giggle. Cas immediately became unfathomably self-conscious, wondering what on Earth Dean had found funny enough to make him giggle like a schoolgirl. “You know, you could have waited until you got here and I woulda helped you out.” Cas’ eyes grew wide. The tone of Dean’s voice was flirty, but why? Dean pointed to Cas’ pants, and when Cas looked down he noticed a big, white stain on the thigh of his pant leg. 

“It’s toothpaste!” Cas yelped. Dean threw his head back and laughed. Cas’ stomach was in knots. How had he forgotten to clean off the toothpaste? Dean’s comment began to sink in, and suddenly Cas remembered how he had imagined Dean’s hand felt wrapped around his cock. His cock began to throb, but he pulled his hands out of his pocket and folded them in front of his crotch. Dean bit down on his lip and after a few moments of staring into Cas’ eyes, shook his head and stepped closer to Cas. 

“Close your eyes,” Dean commanded. Cas hesitated, but complied. Cas’ heart was pounding- he was sure Dean could hear it. Dean leaned forward until his lips were brushing against Cas’ ear. “I think this is yours,” he whispered as he gently pressed something against Cas’ chest. Cas opened his eyes only to find it was his clipboard. He exhaled and gave Dean a half-smile. 

“Thank you.” 

“You look disappointed,” Dean teased. Cas smiled and shook his head in disagreement. 

“I was looking for this this morning.” Dean took a step back. 

“Well, I’m glad I got it back to you then. I hope you don’t mind, I took some notes of my own.” Dean grabbed the clipboard from Cas’ hands and flipped to the last piece of paper where there was a small drawing of two people lying under a tree with a sun wearing sunglasses and a big grin and poorly drawn clouds. Cas couldn’t help but give a big, toothy smile. 

“Thank you, Dean. I’ll keep this forever.” Cas’ voice was mildly robotic but only because he was afraid he was going to fling his arms around Dean’s neck and kiss him right there. The drawing was so adorable, and it meant more to Cas than Dean probably realized. 

“I- uh- put something on the tree,” Dean said as he rubbed his neck and shifted his gaze to the floor. Cas looked back at the drawing and noticed Dean had drawn a heart carved into the tree with the letters D+C. Cas’ eyes shot up to meet Deans, and neither of them knew it but both of their hearts skipped a beat. Cas swallowed hard, Dean bit down on his lip. “There’s something else, but you- uh- have to wait until later when you have a minute to spare.” Cas could feel himself blushing. He let the papers fall back down onto the clipboard, smiled at Dean, and hurried out of the room. 

Cas ran through the rest of his morning to make sure that he had enough time before lunch to see Dean. After visiting Gabriel in the Pit only to find Ellen screaming at him that he was the “most annoying person on the planet” and Gabriel whispering to Cas that she clearly had the hots for him, Cas laughed and returned to Dean’s room. He slowly opened the door and peered inside, but Dean wasn’t in there. Cas sighed. Maybe Dean had been playing a joke on him earlier. Maybe this was just one of his plans to mess with his head and send him running for the hills. _How could I be so stupid?_ Cas felt the tears forming in his eyes and darted for the door to the courtyard. 

The sun wasn’t out and it was raining, but his eyes still needed a moment to adjust. The tears started to fall down his cheeks, and he sought refuge under the tree that he and Dean had been under yesterday. Cas wiped his eyes and buried his face in his hands. _How could I be so stupid?_ Suddenly, a hand gripped around Cas’ bicep and fulled him to the other side of the tree. He looked up in disbelief only to see Dean standing there soaking wet. _How long has he been out here?_

“30 minutes,” Dean said, as if he had read Cas’ mind. “I’ve been waiting out here for you for 30 minutes. Gabriel sure can talk your ear off, huh?” Dean was blinking franticly in order to keep the rain drops from dripping into his eyes. “Turn around!” he called out, the rain had started to come down harder. Cas turned around to find a palm sized heart carved into the bark of the tree with the letters D+C in the middle. “Real life imitates art, huh?” Dean joked. Cas turned around to face Dean and smiled. He was beautiful, even soaked to the bone. Cas studied his face, trying to memorize every single freckle. Dean shifted his weight, placed his hand against the tree to the right of Cas’ head, and leaned forward until their noses were nearly touching. Cas held his breath and tried to take a step back, but his back crashed against the bark of the tree. 

Dean held Cas’ gaze and leaned forward further until their lips were almost touching. Cas’ skin was tingling, and he felt paralyzed, though he wasn’t sure he wanted to move. Dean pulled his face back slightly and gently raised Cas’ chin. He looked down at Cas’ lips and then directly into his eyes before leaning in and pushing their lips together. Cas didn’t kiss back at first but soon the two found a rhythm. Dean licked the inside of Cas’ mouth smoothly but vigorously. Dean grabbed the belt loops of Cas’ pants and pulled him forward so their hips crashed together. Cas’ wrapped his hand around Dean’s face pulling him closer in order to lick deeper into his mouth. Dean let out a little moan, and Cas’ cock grew hard. They were both breathing heavily, and Dean pulled away slightly despite Cas’ attempt to stop him. Dean kissed Cas’ cheek and pushed his face to the side with his nose before kissing his neck. Cas let out a moan and placed his hands onto Dean’s hips. Dean’s pants had sunk down, so his hipbones were visible. Dean kept kissing Cas’ neck and started fiddling with the button of Cas’ pants. 

“Dean!” Cas gasped as he shifted away slightly. “We can’t. I can’t. We have to stop.” Dean lurched forward and bit down on Cas’ neck causing him to moan loudly. “Dean!” Dean shifted so his hips were pushing Cas’ up against the tree, he quickly undid the button of his pants and his zipper, while continuing to kiss him all over. “Dean,” Cas gasped. 

“That’s better,” Dean whispered. “I like that tone more.” Dean placed a hand up against the tree to steady himself and with the other slowly slid down Cas’ boxers. Dean’s finger tips met Cas’ hard cock, and he smiled against Cas’ neck. Cas gasped again. “I won’t if you don’t want to…” Dean whispered into Cas’ ear causing him to sigh deeply. “… but I think you want me to.” Dean let Cas’ cock fill his hand, and Cas immediately grinded his pelvis forward. Dean began to pump slowly, and Cas brought Dean’ face in and kissed him again. Suddenly, there was a loud crash of thunder causing Cas to jump and become hyper-aware to what was happening. He gasped and pushed Dean away, adjusting his pants and fastening them. Dean stood back in shock, red creeping across his cheeks. Cas gave Dean a despondent look and slipped around the side of the tree before heading inside.


End file.
